Lone Survivor ... So Far

Captain's Log:

Stardate December 29th, 2010.

I will write about Christmas and post pictures from that happy day some day.

But right now there is only agony.  Vomit and agony and gloom and despair.

Since December 6th someone in my family has thrown up every other day - which is why I haven't blogged hardly at all in a month.   I have disinfected, washed, cleaned and taken at least one to the doctor (who said he thought we were probably done with it and offered the advice to treat their bellies like volatile volcanos) and nothing has helped.

I am the lone survivor.  Six out of seven of us have had this particular ailment at least once each and Anna and Landon have had it three times.

Every time someone asks, "How are you all doing?" or "Is everyone finally done throwing up?" then someone else throws up!  It's like this bug is lying in wait...lurking behind shadows...and when it hears its name mentioned...IT   POUNCES  on its next victim!!!!  I think its out to get me and it won't stop picking on everyone else until it has me in its calamitous clutches.

I think I hear it now...creeping around like Gollum...................*shudder*

The light at the end of my tunnel is fading fast...Is it hopeless?

Vomit and agony and gloom and despair.

Our Story - Year Eight

November 2004 was the beginning of a year that looked like an emotional roller coaster.  November was the part where you're stepping into your seat and wondering why the people that just got off the train are stumbling and look kind of green around the gills.  You buckle in and pull the safety bar down.  And the bored teenage amusement park employee pushes a little button that starts you on your way.   

Only the difference here was that God was the one pushing the GO button and He had already been on the ride and He knew when the loops and the twists and turns were coming.  And, because He is omnipresent, He's also sitting beside you with a barf bag and even offers to hold your hair back while you puke up your funnel cake for the rest of the year ride.

And then!  The best part?  Is that when the year ride is all over He's the one that agrees to get on that crazy train with you, once you've recovered your equilibrium and shout excitedly, "Let's go again!  And this time let's ride in the front seat!"

*****************

That whole Seven-Year Itch thing?  I sort of believe it.

Brian was working hard.  Oh wait!  I think I've mentioned that a time or four.  But this year?  His work and making money seemed to take priority over all else.  And this was the year that his former boss cut off the end of his finger by accidentally slamming it in a car door and he asked Brian to come and help out a couple of times a week in his office while he recovered from a reattachment surgery!  Brian was leaving two days a week around 6 a.m. to get to the office on the other side of town by 8:00 in the morning and not getting home until 9:00 in the evening.  

He was stressed out and that is VERY difficult to do to Brian.  He's one of the most laid-back individuals I have ever met.  Which is one of the reasons I fell in love with him.  He  had always balanced my crazy, exaggerating, glass-is-half-full-and-will-be-empty-any-second personality out.  And he was rubbing off on me.  Over those first 7 years, I'd learned more about not worrying about circumstances you have no control over and I was learning to determine that I didn't have control over nearly as many things as I thought I did.  I had been learning these things by his example.

But this year he started to talk to me differently.  His cool, even tones were turning to tones that were sharp, sarcastic and, at times, biting.  And I was not feeling respected by him.   

I was also anxious and even more emotional than usual because I was pregnant.  And with a girl no less!  The estrogen was running rampant!  Oh!  I nearly forgot to mention that I had gestational diabetes this time around and was having to prick my finger several times a day and having to be very careful about what I ate.

I felt like I was all alone.  Like my adoring, helpful husband wasn't going to be so adoring or helpful any more.  Going from 1 baby to 2 had been incredibly difficult, to put it mildly, and I fully expected to go through more post-partum blues and was not looking forward to breast-feeding and taking care of a house and three children all by myself.

Let's throw in some more dynamite, shall we?  Mom was dealing with a personal crisis and it was not something I could have saved her from and I didn't know how or even if I should help - not that I could have.  

How about another explosive stick or two?  One of my dearest friends lost her baby at 24 weeks pregnant.   And that same week I had said some horrible things to another friend, in a room full of our friends, and there was no time-machine to jump into and take back those words.

Volatile.  Vulnerable.  This is how I felt.

There was even one afternoon that Brian and I were terribly worried about our money situation that we had argued and he went MIA.  It was so unlike him to be gone that long with no explanation and I couldn't get in touch with him that I honestly was worried that he had done something really horrible like suicide.  It was awful.  

Then, one night, I laid it all out for him.  How I was feeling and why and he listened without interrupting and his face softened and it all began to change.  We both began to change.

We agreed to clue the other in when we were feeling stressed and we both promised to honor the other's honesty and to listen and be receptive.  

In the midst of all the turmoil and subsequent treaty...Anna was born and she was the easiest baby ever born to any parent in the history of babies being born and my friend became pregnant again and Mom was coming to some important conclusions and I learned to forgive myself (and also to keep my mouth shut) .

And we pulled into the amusement park station and got off that wild ride - queasy and a little dizzy but we had been securely buckled in the whole time.

And we said, "Let's get on again!" and we celebrated our eighth anniversary.

What did we learn during that erratic eighth year?:

• That God knew - He wasn't taken by surprise by anything that happened that year.  And He held my hair back when I had to throw up (figuratively speaking).  And He patted my hand compassionately and reminded me that even when I feel all alone that He is with me.
• How to Prioritize - Making money and keeping that business afloat weren't nearly as important as nurturing our relationship with one another.
• Honesty is the Best Policy - Truth spoken in love.  There's no substitute for it.  Share what's stressing you out.  Listen when your sweetheart has something to say.  Don't get defensive and don't start thinking of how you'll answer them before the questions are even asked. 
• Shut UP! - Just because you HAVE an opinion doesn't mean that it needs to be shared ... particularly when you have received your information second-hand and you don't have the foggiest idea what you're talking about.  And when you feel deserted because you were an idiot and spoke without thinking it's probably because you have been.  And you were deserted because YOU  WERE  WRONG.  Maybe your opinion wasn't wrong but you were wrong in sharing it or the manner in which you spoke.  (This one is strictly for me.  I'm sure this has never happened to you.)  ; )
• This Too Shall Pass - Hold on tight through that last cork-screw turn... the station is in sight and you'll be able to get off that ride soon enough.

Deep breath.  Here is Brian's post.

Eye Twitch

Mondays don't seem to bother me much.  But Tuesdays are getting to me.  I crammed too much into today.  Three parent/teacher conferences, an hour volunteering in the library and helping Cameron finish his Social Studies project.  

Remember the eye twitch I was telling you about last Tuesday?  Yeah.

And the stress factor was kicked up a notch or two by the conference I had with Cameron's teacher today.

She has a very mild personality and has kind of allowed him to fall way behind in his assignments and has not mentioned this to me.  I had suspicions that this was happening which is why I scheduled the conference.  But even when I asked her, "Mrs. L, what can I do to help you?  Do you have any suggestions for things we could do to help him get more focused and organized?"  she had no suggestions.   AAaauuugghhh!!  So, it will be completely up to me to come up with something creative to get him back on track.  Which is fine, I suppose, since I am his mother and all and I know him better than she does but it would have been nice if she could have suggested some tools or ways for him to practice responsibility or organization or study skills.  'Lil help, please.  

Anyhow, the rest of the days this week are not as busy (only one major thing each day instead of 4).  

Here's hoping I will at least be able to get a shower and eat 3 meals on those days.  Neither of which happened today.

Maybe my eye twitch will go away if I listen to this song one more time today.

Frazzled

I will get back to blogging regularly very soon.  But today, because I've lost my important To Do List and a number of things that had to be done can't be done because apparently they are with the lost list, all I am doing is posting this video.  Because THIS is how I feel.  Imagine I'm the Ibex.

Stretched Thin

Wow!  I don't think I've ever been gone from this here blog for so long.  But remember?  School has started.  And I got so excited about what a great year it was going to be and about the 6 hours I will get to myself each week that I went and volunteered for too many things. 

Now tonight I am feeling stretched thin.  I've been helping for an hour on Mondays in Anna's class and an hour on Tuesdays in the library.  Last Wednesday I ate lunch with Anna at school.  The last few Thursdays have included an Open House at Landon's preschool, lunch with the boys and/or dance class after school for Anna.  By Friday I'm wiped out but this week I had to clean house because my family was coming over for my nephew's 1st birthday party that weekend.   

Don't you feel tired after reading that?  I'm tired just typing it out.  

And all of that is in addition to the regular house cleaning, laundry, helping with homework, corralling or shooing away the neighbor kids, planning and meeting for my trip to the equator and teaching Sunday school.

This morning while helping at the school library I discovered that I had been put on the volunteer schedule for every week!  Something that I had not volunteered to do.  At first I said that it would be fine to leave me on the list but tonight I couldn't get to sleep thinking about all the places and people I've committed myself to.  I determined that if I didn't scale back on some of those things that I would end up "committed" ... in some kind of mental institution!

So, I've sent off an e-mail to the librarian the dates that I can definitely help over the next couple of months and another e-mail to the co-room mom about us each helping every other week instead of us being in the classroom at the same time.  

Aahhhhh....  That feels much better.  

At least until I remember that I have a playdate tomorrow, a brunch for my trip Thursday morning, Anna's dance class Thursday from 4:15 - 5:00, Curriculum Night/Open House for Anna's class Thursday immediately following dance...

Okay, so maybe I won't be able to take a deep breath until this weekend.

WHAT?!  That's how many days away?!

*sigh*

Bloggy Strangers No Longer!

 
OH!  This child!  Was  h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e  today!  I went to meet a bloggy friend who is in town for the weekend.  I had to take Anna and Landon with me but she may virtually disown me after having to spend an hour around this little monster.  Joyce is much too sweet to do something like that... I hope.

I was so excited to get to meet her!  I've been reading her blog for almost a year.  She mentioned that she would be in the Atlanta area this weekend and so we decided that this was a perfect opportunity to get together.  It was so nice to be able to see her face to face and to have a live conversation.  Anna was a sweetheart and I could have handled her and both Cameron and Parker better than one Landon but I didn't want to send the most rambunctious one with Brian to work.

We met at Starbuck's because bloggers can't do anything without coffee.  I didn't get any coffee but it's a good thing I didn't because I'm sure it would have ended up all down the front of me with the sheer amount of motion generated by this child.  He did spill his juice all over the floor by swinging his arms or bouncing around in his chair or some nonsense.  He threw something away in the trash can no less than a dozen times.   He talked VERY loudly and interrupted every other sentence.   I told him, "No!" or "Stop." at least 40 times.  I guess I just didn't bring enough for him to do.  A small rubber snake, a Matchbox car, a lollipop and a cup of juice were not enough to keep him occupied.  Starbuck's is no place for a 3 year old.
  ; )

It's on days like this that I need a list of the things I love about him at this age.  Things like:
- He always obliges when I say, "Give me a kiss."
- He is still squishy.
- When he isn't yelling, screaming or crying he has the sweetest little voice.
- He can be so funny.
- He says, "Thank you" quite a bit for a three year old.
- He may disobey often but at least he does it blatantly and he's not sneaky or manipulative. (Is that a positive?)
- Because he is so loud, I almost always know where he is.
- He likes to snuggle.
- His uncontrollable laughter when you tickle him and that when you're done he asks you to do it again.

This list will come in quite handy in a minute after I finish breaking up the fight occurring in my bedroom.

Joyce, can we do it again sometime?  Like when my kids are all grown up? 

Benar-benar kacau!

If my English to Indonesian translation is correct, then that means, "What a mess!"  

This has been my view, more or less, for the last few weeks on end.

My shoulders are on fire!  I have made approximately 8 trips to either Home Depot or Lowe's in the last 3 weeks.   I don't want to know (and neither does Brian) how much money I have spent on paint, painter's tape, roller covers and primer.   I have painted the office a silver-grey and turned it into Parker's room.  I moved Cameron into Anna's old room.  Then I painted it the UGLIEST shade of olive green.   Then I painted over the ugliest olive green with primer and painted it a pretty khaki/tan color.   I moved Anna into the boys' old room and painted it Pink Breeze.  And now, because I'm a crazy person, I am measuring and taping and painting stripes of green, brown, Timeless Rose and the same tan from Cameron's room.  

Ongepotchket!  That's what this is!

(In Yiddish that means: Messed up, slapped together without form, excessively and unesthetically decorated.) 

 Not that fabric, just the whole room in general!  That fabric is GOR-geous!!!

Right now her room looks like le rose camp d'entraînement du cirque caniche (or in English: a pink circus poodle training camp!)

I am trying to take it one thing at a time but I really just want it to be Hecho! (DONE!)

I'm going now.  Going to go take a shower and to scrape my arms, legs and hands with my fingernails ... again... to get this paint off my skin.

Ouch.

"Can't hide it so I gotta make peace with it."

This absolutely must be shared with the whole world.

From the brilliant Anita Renfroe, I present to you...Wrinkled Ladies!

Hmmmm...Post Title:... I'll have to think about it...

 I haven't had many words lately.  Or, rather, I have had many and I won't bore you with all of them.  Because I am not one to be prone to word shortages.   It's just that I've been busier with other things than this here blog.

For instance:  ________________

Wow!  Look!  A word shortage!  My mind is blank.

Think, think, think!

Sunday:   Hmmm...That was 4 whole days ago; I can't remember a single thing except pastor's sermon.  So,...BONUS  POINTS  for me, right?

Monday:  Busy. 1. Half of the laundry got done. 
                         2. I  RAN ON THE TREADMILL!!!  whoot! whoot!  (sorry, I know every intelligent human being can't stand that sound but I couldn't help myself.)
                         3.  Took Anna and Parker to our new wonderful pediatrician!  (More on this at a later date.)
                         4.  Went straight from doctor's office (in Norcross) to boys' soccer practice
                         5.   Watched So I Married an Axe Murderer for the 8th time with Brian and laughed 'til I cried AGAIN!  "We have a piper down!  I repeat:  A piper is down."  .... "Oh, Colonel Sanders with his wee beady eyes!  Oh!  You'll eat me chicken!"

Tuesday:  Brian was sweet enough to take both Anna and Landon with him to "turtle work" so I had 4 whole hours of uninterrupted time to clean!!!  whoot!  whoot!   Ooops!  Sorry.  There I go again; I can't help myself.  Those 4 hours of uninterrupted time to clean were almost as good as my weekend off.

I said, "almost".

Wednesday:   The usual stuff + a meeting about a trip to South Asia in the fall to minister to some ladies over there!!!  CAN'T  WAIT!!!   Everyone that we have ever supported to go on a short-term trip like that....here comes my letter!   It's payback time!   LOL!   (Just kidding!) 

 And just because I feel like adding it:
This is one of my most vivid memories of my childhood!  And also, one of my favorites!
Love y'all!

Oh!  And I'm not kidding about the support letters.  ; )  

Icky

I woke up not feeling too swift this morning.  Queasy.  Unsettled.  Of course, the first thought to run through my mind was, "Dear, Lord, don't let me be pregnant."    I'm completely unequipped to handle the four children we already have; I know I couldn't handle any more.

It seems I'm just run down from all of the Mom kind of activities lately.  

• Being a nurse for Anna who has had a cold and ear infection for the last week.  She was sick the entire week of Winter Break and we had planned on doing a lot of fun things but instead spent 7 days cooped up in the house.  Oh well.

• Hosting a birthday party here at the house to celebrate Landon and my mom's birthdays.

• Playing referee in the wrestling arena that our living room has turned into since the boys were bored. And trying to soothe and not to scold or scream but not being very successful.

• Teaching Sunday School.
• Volunteering in Preschool in a room full of 24 three year olds.
• Going up to the Tennessee Aquarium Sunday afternoon. 

• Painting at a friend's new house.
• Saying goodbye to my brother who will be gone for another year teaching in S. Korea.
• And wondering what happened to my sweet little boy who seems to be 8 going on 13 lately.  Oh my!  What an attitude.  Don't let that sweet smile fool you; he's holding an ice cream cone, after all.

So, today I'm feeling icky.  Time for a break.  Need a nap.  Or a nanny and a cook and a chauffeur.  But I've gotten quite a bit of quilting done and finished reading Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott.  So that's good, right?  It'll have to do.

Monkey Polka

It's been a day.

Have you been introduced to my brain?  You know,... the monkey in my skull playing an accordion?  Yeah.  That's the one.

Well, that monkey?  He's tired.   He's been playing a quick-step polka for about a week straight now and he's ready to "Take Five."

Here is the monkey's playlist lately:

• Should I Stay or Should I Go? by The Clash - Since I'm not certain I should be spending $400 to go to lunch with friends in New Hampshire, 1,000 miles away; no matter how badly I want to go.    ; )
• Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow - Because everyone is so excited about the possible 2 inches we may or may not get tomorrow.
• My Funny Valentine by Chet Baker - This one is obvious.   Three kids in school.  One of the three in preschool who had a difficult time writing down "all those letters", same child has a Valentine's party at school tomorrow that I am helping to coordinate and I can't find the class list for Parker's class and am still waiting on an e-mail from his teacher so we can finish those up.
•  Crazy by Seal - Because  Brian's mom showed up here today (Surprise!) and, with her not dealing with her bi-polar disorder and alcohol addiction and going through a divorce from her husband of 48 years, I wasn't sure how I felt about having her around unexpectedly.  Her state of mind is ...well,... um... sketchy at best lately.  Thank goodness the visit was actually much more pleasant than I anticipated.
• And, last but not least, Birthday by The Beatles - Because tomorrow is my baby's 3rd birthday!!!  

So, as you can plainly see, it's time to shut my brain down and let that monkey get some sleep.  Love y'all so much!

My! My!

What a busy, busy three days! I fretted. I searched. To no avail. I rushed. I tried to relax. I let some things go. I had some 'splainin' to do. I had an apology to give. I finally did a little Christmas shopping. No, I'm not done. And, yes, Christmas is a mere 5 days away. I laughed. I enjoyed the company of friends. I enjoyed a visit from my dad. I cooked. I cleaned. I threw things in the closet. I ate a lot of goodies. Mmmm...English toffee....Thanks, Rick. I took a Korean address to my 87 year old aunt - because she can't hear the phone ring and certainly wouldn't be able to hear me spelling out every. single. word. She wasn't home. I checked in on my grandparents. XOXOXOXO! I put together 15 Christmas goody bags for our Kindergarteners. I forgot things. I lost things. I scolded. I hugged. I kissed. I went to sleep.

Good night, all.



ZZZzzzzzzz....